


The Perils of Relationships

by stardropdream (orphan_account)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 10:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/stardropdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Alfred utterly failed at having a sex life with Arthur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perils of Relationships

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ June 23, 2012.

**I.**  
Arthur comes up behind Alfred and bites his ear. He can feel the smirk against the soft shell of his ear, lips curling to match the curve.  
  
Alfred drops his cup of coffee. It splashes everywhere and Arthur jumps away as it splashes over his feet.  
  
“Shit!”   
  
“Sorry!” Alfred shouts, flustered. “I – um – hi?”   
  
“Christ,” is all Arthur says, hobbling away to clean his feet up and sweep up the floor.   
  
  
**II.**  
Do something he’ll like, Francis said. That’s the sure way to have anyone jump him.  
  
So Alfred is left thinking of just _what_ Arthur likes. Books and fairies are what spring to mind. And not fairies as in the slang, but actual literal fairies.  
  
So Alfred isn’t about to dress up like a fairy. So books it is.   
  
Should he just read a book out loud? Maybe. But it sounds damn boring and it could take forever. And knowing Arthur, he’d probably critique Alfred on his reading voice or his annunciation.   
  
Ultimately he decides on literary allusions. Maybe something hot, so Arthur will get all hot and bothered. Arthur’s old poets were definitely all kinky bastards, so he should be fine. When in doubt, he can just use some Fanny Hill shit – weapon of passion and all that prosey shit. Yeah.   
  
He makes the fatal error of quoting Shakespeare, though. The guy’s supposed to be romantic! But it quickly dissolves into Arthur lecturing Alfred on the proper use of quotation, and iambic pentameter – and says rather grimly that Romeo and Juliet were stupid little twits and there were plenty other romantic figures Alfred could evoke from Shakespeare’s canon.   
  
Alfred wants to cheerfully strangle himself after an hour of lecture. Or claw his eyes out. Whichever.   
  
  
**III.**   
Between meetings, he attempts to drag Arthur into an unoccupied meeting room and let Arthur have his dirty way with him. He’s expecting hot and fast and needy sexy. What he gets is Arthur painfully slowly folding his clothes.  
  
Alfred manages a completely manly whimper and paws at Arthur.   
  
“Arthur, come ooooon!”  
  
“If you think that’s endearing, you’re quite delusional.”   
  
Alfred pouts, slackening his tie.  
  
“Go faster!” he whines. “At this rate, the meeting will be starting by the time you get your pants off.”  
  
“Fuck off.”  
  
“I want to but you’re being slow!” Alfred squirms. “Don’t you Englishmen like to keep your clothes on during sex because you think it’s more proper that way?”  
  
“And who told you that?”  
  
“… Francis.”  
  
As soon as he says it, he regrets it. Arthur’s eyes cloud up. It’s never a good idea to mention Francis when sex is involved. Hell, it’s never a good idea to mention Francis in front of Arthur at all.  
  
“Fuck off,” Arthur says again, face red. He glances at his watch. “We really should be getting back.”  
  
“Damn it!” Alfred moans out, beyond frustrated.   
  
  
**IV.**  
“Not now, babe,” Alfred says. “I’m in a really important part and I can’t save here!”  
  
Arthur retreats from where he was kissing Alfred’s neck.   
  
He crosses his arms and stomps away.  
  
Oops.  
  
  
 **V.**  
On the way to the hospital, Alfred apologizes for, like, the billionth time.  
  
“How was I supposed to know you didn’t actually mean it when you said ‘harder’?”   
  
“I did mean it, but not that hard, you barbarian!” Arthur, surly, cradles his broken wrist and says nothing more.


End file.
